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should i fight for you or let you go? [24.7.09 @ 1:37pm] summer 2oo9... [i have no idea who even reads this anymore, but i just need to write & hopefully someone will hear me and help me] I wish i knew where to even begin.. I graduated from college in may; still no full-time job, but at least i had my job from last summer to fall back on. my birthday was a shitshow, as usual. i met a dude, who i thought was nice. but boy, was i ever wrong. i dont even know what to do anymore. i'm just scared of everything now. i say that i trust people and that and i want committment so bad. but when i think about it, i'm fuckin scared shitless. this guy gives me nothing but he has turned me into something i always made fun of and hateddd. i dont know, i have so many thoughts on my mind icant even write them down. i just want to be back where the only thing that hurt was the cuts and bruises that i gave myself from fallin down or whatever (nothin intentional). my emotions are a wreck, and i dont know how much longer i can fake this smile. i hate my job, i feel as if i hate everythin except the few who are close to me. // Make me Bleed

[25.10.06 @ 9:07pm] i feel like since ive been @ school, ive been forgotten. i try real hard to keep in touch but it gets hard. i know everyone has their own lives, but still. i feel like im losing everyone who i had either after i graduated high school until now. i feel like ive already been erased from a lot of people's lives. // Make me Bleed

[31.5.06 @ 12:24pm] nothing matters when you're broken. and what hurts the most is letting go. [[no one should cry on their birthday]] 1 Why do you// Make me Bleed

[30.4.06 @ 2:31am] Once you've been tagged, you have to write a blog with 8 facts/things/habits about yourself, saying who tagged you. In the end you need to choose the 6 people to be tagged and list their names. No tag backs. Thanks Britania :P 1. I am adopted. 2. I live to make other people happy. 3. The guy i think i'm in love with lives 2000+ miles away from me. 4. I eat too much. 5. I need to lose 3840728914 pounds..not that much, but a lot. 6. I miss my friends. 7. I hate rhode island. 8. i love my family & friends and do anything for them.<3 i tag....blue_heights,hawk3yes,live_in_morocco,smaguirepsu,razrbladexkissx,watabus 1 Why do you// Make me Bleed

i'm already gone... [2.3.06 @ 1:00pm] [ mood | sad ] [ music | alexisonfire-control ] i hate myself for ever meeting him. i hate myself for spending all that time during college thinking of him. i hate myself for shedding so many tears over him. i hate those wasted phone calls on him. i hate the fact that i cared for him. i hate that i let him play me. i hate that i let him see the vulnerable side of me. --J.Y.  i wish you would've given me closure, because it would be so easy to forget you. i wish i could forget you. i wish i could forget all the fucking anger and pain i have for you. i wish i didnt waste the time i did on you. then maybe i could just be done and over with you. i wish i listened to everyone telling me you are not good enough for me, that i deserve so much better. i do deserve better than some asshole like you. i fucking hate the fact that i cared for you, and wouldve done anything to make you happy. you dont know what the fuck you missed, but its okay. but i just wish for once, you wouldve done something for me. i wish you gave me the closure i need so you would never be a memory in my head. ---J.Y. You know you did it I'm gone To find someone to live for in this world There is no light at the end of the tunnel tonight Just a bridge that I gotta burn You are wrong If you think you can walk right through my door That is just so you Coming back when I've finally moved on I'm already gone There is nothing you can say Sorry doesn't cut it, babe Take the hit and walk away Cause I'm gone Doesn't matter what you do It's what you did that's hurting you All I needed was the truth Now I'm gone --K.C. // Make me Bleed

[13.12.05 @ 12:01pm] Leave me an anonymous comment and tell me what you honestly think of me, or something you could never say to me before, or anything. I don't care. 2 Why do you// Make me Bleed

[1.11.05 @ 11:01pm] NOVEMBER 18TH I'M FUCKING COMING HOME, BITCHES. SO YOU BETTER NOT BE DOING ANYTHING. BECAUSE WE'RE HANGIN OUT. AND IF WE FUCKING DONT, I'LL FUCKING CRY. 1 Why do you// Make me Bleed

for all us nice girls.. [4.5.05 @ 10:27pm] Ode to the Nice Girls This rant was written because a nice girl finally snapped. I've read the tribute to the nice guys; this is my response. This is my tribute to the nice girls. To the nice girls who are overlooked, who become friends and nothing more, who spend hours fixating upon their looks and their personalities and their actions because it must be they that are doing something wrong. This is for the girls who don't give it up on the first date, who don't want to play mind games, who provide a comforting hug and a supportive audience for a story they've heard a thousand times. This is for the girls who understand that they aren't perfect and that the guys they're interested in aren't either, for the girls who flirt and laugh and worry and obsess over the slightest glance, whisper, touch, because somehow they are able to keep alive that hope that maybe... maybe this time he'll have understood. This is an homage to the girls who laugh loud and often, who are comfortable in skirts and sweats and combat boots, who care more than they should for guys who don't deserve their attention. This is for those girls who have been in the trenches, who have watched other girls time and time again fake up and make up and fuck up the guys in their lives without saying a word. This is for the girls who have been there from the beginning and have heard the trite words of advice, from "there are plenty of fish in the sea," to "time heals all wounds." This is to honor those girls who know that guys are just as scared as they are, who know that they deserve better, who are seeking to find it. This is for the girls who have never been in love, but know that it's an experience that they don't want to miss out on. For the girls who have sought a night with friends and been greeted by a night of catcalling, rude comments and explicit invitations that they'd rather not have experienced. This is for the girls who have spent their weekends sitting on the sidelines of a beer pong tournament or a case race, or playing Florence Nightingale for a vomiting guy friend or a comatose crush, who have received a drunk phone call just before dawn from someone who doesn't care enough to invite them over but is still willing to pass out in their bed. This is for the girls who have left sad song lyrics in their away messages, who have tried to make someone understand through a subliminally appealing profile, who have time and time again dropped their male friend hint after hint after hint only to watch him chase after the first blonde girl in a skirt. This is for the girls who have been told that they're too good or too smart or too pretty, who have been given compliments as a way of breaking off a relationship, who have ever been told they are only wanted as a friend. This one's for the girls who you can take home to mom, but won't because it's easier to sleep with a whore than foster a relationship; this is for the girls who have been led on by words and kisses and touches, all of which were either only true for the moment, or never real to begin with. This is for the girls who have allowed a guy into their head and heart and bed, only to discover that he's just not ready, he's just not over her, he's just not looking to be tied down; this is for the girls who believe the excuses because it's easier to believe that it's not that they don't want you, it's that they don't want anyone. This is for the girls who have had their hearts broken and their hopes dashed by someone too cavalier to have cared in the first place; this is for the nights spent dissecting every word and syllable and inflection in his speech, for the nights when you've returned home alone, for the nights when you've seen from across the room him leaning a little too close, or standing a little too near, or talking a little too softly for the girl he's with to be a random hookup. This is for the girls who have endured party after party in his presence, finally having realized that it wasn't that he didn't want a relationship: it was that he didn't want you. I honor you for the night his dog died or his grandmother died or his little brother crashed his car and you held him, thinking that if you only comforted him just right, or said the right words, or rubbed his back in the right way then perhaps he'd realize what it was that he already had. This is for the night you realized that it would never happen, and the sunrise you saw the next morning after failing to sleep. This is for the "I really like you, so let's still be friends" comment after you read more into a situation than he ever intended; this is for never realizing that when you choose friends, you seldom choose those which make you cry yourself to sleep. This is for the hugs you've received from your female friends, for the nights they've reassured you that you are beautiful and intelligent and amazing and loyal and truly worthy of a great guy; this is for the despair you all felt as you sat in the aftermath of your tears, knowing that that night the only companionship you'd have was with a pillow and your teddy bear. This is for the girls who have been used and abused, who have endured what he was giving because at least he was giving something; this is for the stupidity of the nights we've believed that something was better than nothing, though his something was nothing we'd have ever wanted. This is for the girls who have been satisified with too little and who have learned never to expect anything more: for the girls who don't think that they deserve more, because they've been conditioned for so long to accept the scraps thrown to them by guys. This is what I don't understand. Men sit and question and whine that girls are only attracted to the mean guys, the guys who berate them and belittle them and don't appreciate them and don't want them; who use them for sex and think of little else than where their next conquest will be made. Men complain that they never meet nice girls, girls who are genuinely interested and compelling, who are intelligent and sweet and smart and beautiful; men despair that no good women want to share in their lives, that girls play mindgames, that girls love to keep them hanging. Yet, men, I ask you: were you to meet one of these genuinely interested, thrillingly compelling, interesting and intelligent and sweet and beautiful and smart girls, were you to give her your number and wait for her to call... and if you were to receive a call from her the next day and she, in her truthful, loyal, intelligent and straightforward nice girl fashion, were to tell you that she finds you intriguing and attractive and interesting and worth her time and perhaps material from which she could fashion a boyfriend, would you or would you not immediately call your friends to tell them of the "stalker chick" you'd met the night prior, who called you and wore her heart on her sleeve and told the truth? And would you, or would you not, refuse to make plans with her, speak with her, see her again, and once again return to the bar or club or party scene and search once more for this "nice girl" who you just cannot seem to find? Because therein lies the truth, guys: we nice girls are everywhere. But you're not looking for a nice girl. You're not looking for someone genuinely interested in your intermural basketball game, or your anatomy midterm grade, or that argument you keep having with your father; you're looking for a quick fix, a night when you can pretend to have a connection with another human being which is just as disposable as the condom you were using during it. So don't say you're on the lookout for nice girls, guys, when you pass us up on every step you take. Sometimes we go undercover; sometimes we go in disguise: sometimes when that girl in the low cut shirt or the too tight miniskirt won't answer your catcalls, sometimes you're looking at a nice girl in whore's clothing - - we might say we like the attention, we might blush and giggle and turn back to our friends, but we're all thinking the same thing: "This isn't me. Tomorrow morning, I'll be wearing a teeshirt and flannel shorts, I'll have slept alone and I'll be making my hungover best friend breakfast. See through the disguise. See me." You never do. Why? Because you only see the exterior, you only see the slutty girl who welcomes those advances. You don't want the nice girl.. so don't say you're looking for a relationship: relationships take time and energy and intent, three things we're willing to extend - - but in return, we're looking for compassion and loyalty and trust, three things you never seem willing to express. Maybe nice guys finish last, but in the race they're running they're chasing after the whores and the sluts and the easy-targets... the nice girls are waiting at the finish line with water and towels and a congradulatory hug (and yes, if she's a nice girl and she likes you, the sweatiness probably won't matter), hoping against hope that maybe you'll realize that they're the ones that you want at the end of that silly race. So maybe it won't last forever. Maybe some of those guys in that race will turn in their running shoes and make their way to the concession stand where we're waiting; however, until that happens, we still have each other, that silly race to watch, and all the chocolate we can eat (because what's a concession stand at a race without some chocolate?) 7 Why do you// Make me Bleed

open your world to me... [28.3.05 @ 6:45pm] 1. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it. 2. Am I loveable? 3. How long have you known me? 4. When and how did we first meet? 5. What was your first impression? 6. Do you still think that way about me now? 7. What do you think my weakness is? 8. Do you think I'll get married? 9. What makes me happy? 10. What makes me sad? 11. What reminds you of me? 12. If you could give me anything what would it be? 13. How well do you know me? 14. When's the last time you saw me? 15. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't? 16. Do you think I could kill someone? 17. Describe me in one word. 18. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same? 19. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen? 20. Are you going to put this on your livejournal and see what I say about you? // Make me Bleed

secrets... [30.9.04 @ 12:40am]   Due to some random people commenting in my journal, i had to make this friends only     please comment and such if you would like to be added <3; 8 Why do you// Make me Bleed

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